Tag Archives: Humor

It was a guy talk thing I didn’t understand

P1010502I was looking out my kitchen window and rinsing breakfast dishes when the pheasant cocks arrived. First, they jumped up and down and flapped their wings. Then there was a chat of several minutes’ duration. It seemed almost to be a parody of Middle Eastern negotiations.

 

P1010503Then they took it on the road.

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Filed under Action & Being, Animals, Animals, Nature, Gardens, Birds, Photos

Effie, this is a bathroom sink in America. . .

I did not put Effie in the sink for a bath; I have not put her in this sink or any sink, for any or no reason, ever. Perhaps she suddenly realized that she had not yet claimed this sink as one of her proprietary lookouts.


“Mmmm. . .a new spot to nap in. . .”


“I had so hoped my reverie would be respected–but I was mistaken.”


“Okay, it’s your call. What’s the game plan for today?”

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Filed under Action & Being, Cats, Effie, Photos

Miss Effie’s Yoga for Practical Cats

Here Effie demonstrates certain poses designed to elicit endearment, and secure chairs to herself.

This pose, The Quadra-Star, invites your people to make much of your adorable paws and your winsome belly. It also resembles an invitation to sit with you, while actually securing the chair--unless you live with someone less than nine inches wide.

This pose, The Quadra-Star, invites your people to make much of your adorable paws and your winsome belly. It also resembles an invitation to sit with you, while actually securing the chair–unless you live with someone less than nine inches wide.

The Cervical Arc: no subtlety here. They admire the exquisite arc of your neck, and you occupy the center of the chair, precluding any possibility of sharing. This pose is well worth the practice it takes to sustain with an utterly phlegmatic expression.

The Cervical Arc: no subtlety here. They admire the exquisite arc of your neck, and you occupy the center of the chair, precluding any possibility of sharing. This pose is well worth the practice it takes to sustain with an utterly phlegmatic expression.

The Circle Roll enables you to roll at near light speed toward the lap of a captivated person with whom you don't so much mind sharing your chair. Anyone you would choose to live with would be rapt with the graceful circle your forepaws form, as well as your upside tummy.

The Circle Roll enables you to roll at near light speed toward the lap of a captivated person with whom you don’t so much mind sharing your chair. Anyone you would choose to live with would be rapt with the graceful circle your forepaws form, as well as your upside tummy.

The Arc of Triumph is an exquisite and very practical pose, providing an excellent stretch to keep you limber for chasing mouses and laser beams. The Arc of Triumph also secures your proprietorial interest in whatever chair you choose to occupy, and just about anything else over which you might like to assert dominion.

The Arc of Triumph is an exquisite and very practical pose, providing an excellent stretch to keep you limber for chasing mouses and laser beams. The Arc of Triumph also secures your proprietorial interest in whatever chair you choose to occupy, and just about anything else over which you might like to assert dominion.

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Filed under Action & Being, Cats, Effie, Photos

An unusual form

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Delicata squashes normally are long, like zucchini, only huskier. A round delicata can result if its blossom chances a visitation with pollen from a pumpkin plant. Since we have delicatas and zucchini, but no pumpkin vines, a neighbor’s pumpkin pollen was presumably transported by wind or an insect.

Whatever its means of coming about, we thought it very cute, but my husband thought it would be even cuter with a face, which he provided. I agree, and I just like the whimsy of having a delicata.

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Filed under People, Places, & Things

Fluid dynamics vs. white sweaters: Is there help?

Researchers in the arcane field of fluid physics from my own alma mater, UCSB (University of California-Santa Barbara), have afforded a great boon to the entire sector of ambulatory, coffee-drinking humanity. Analyzing the fluid dynamics among key variables, including cup, gait, and watching the cup one is carrying rather than one’s feet,  these scientists determined that all aforesaid variables are dynamically involved in the sloshing of coffee one is carrying while walking. If you find this incredible, do read this engaging layman’s summary of the hot issues in coffee-sloshing research.

The trouble is, I found this article while seeking help for another problem: how to drink from a travel mug without spilling coffee down the front of whatever I am wearing. But if I am wearing a light color, the dynamic interaction of liquid and clothing is inevitable.

In law school, my classmates dubbed the phenomenon “Lauren’s little drinking problem,” specifically referring to coffee jumping the bounds of my cup–any sort of cup–and attaching to my white sweater. Days I was wearing something else, I seemed not to have the little drinking problem. I have never understood why these things happen.

I hope funding will open up for travel mug drinking issues. In the meantime, a coffee-brown wardrobe might offer some palliative relief..

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Fitness for the frustrated fatigued

I seriously doubt this topic will bloom into a book; I’m not confident that my knowledge of fitness would stretch to fit a competent sentence. The thing about chronic fatigue is that lack of energy is frustrating, and more so if you remember having energy in a past season of life before some illness sucked it away, like a kid draining the last dribbles of a Blizzard through a straw. Then the kid holds up his tumbler and says, “All gone,” in hopes of scoring a chaser in another flavor. But the chronically fatigued grown-up holds up the aspirations he or she had reserved for the last third or so of an energetic life and sighs, “All gone.” And it’s not just aspirations, but abilities that are gone.

However, there are ways to maintain some level of health-sustaining activity for nearly everyone. You just need to find exercises that you can do that are fun. Some things never change: fun is key to motivation. I’m happy to share my miniscule repertoire of things I would find it fun to do anyway, even if they were not conducive to a fitter frame (and for all I know they’re not).

Activity: Fly Swatting

Benefits: Hand-eye coordination; wrist flexibility; bug-free home; sense of satisfaction of achieving an obsessive goal; sense of prowess exceeding that of a creature a billionth your size

Fun rating: Very high

Activity: Sock sliding

Benefits: Non-jarring locomotion; helps dust wood floors between cleanings; improves orientation with respect to furniture and other obstacles in one’s sock-sliding area; may possibly be easier on joints than conventional dignified walking

Limitations: Inefficient on carpet; care should be taken in jumping thresholds (recommended for advanced sock sliders only)

Fun rating: Exceedingly high

Activity: Hunting lost objects

Benefits: Occasional retrieval of lost objects; reminds hunter of presence of dust beneath dressers, beds, etc.; may improve flexibility if any is there in the first place

Limitations: Pain, frustration, careless head-bumping possible

Fun rating: Fair to abysmal

Activity: Cat (or similar object) hefting

Benefits: May increase/preserve upper body strength (I use a 16.25-pound cat); ability to have cat or similar object momentarily where you want it

Limitations: Cat or similar object may have competing motives conducive to a struggle in which it will inevitably prevail.

Fun rating: Neutral, depending on the cat or similar object.

These are just some of the activities I add to my routine to conserve my energy. I would advise extreme caution and uncommon sense before adopting any of them.

Coolidge, my coach

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“What next?” she asked dubiously… “a free cremation offer?”

The cheeky ghouls! The uncouth trident wielders! Is this a Neptune Society experiment, testing how best to ensure their junk mail is perfunctorily trashed unopened?

I haul my weary old bones down to the mailbox and collect my mail. My reward for not littering is to haul an offer from the Neptune Society — an offer to cremate me (for free!) — back up the steep grade of my long driveway. On the outside of the envelope, which is addressed personally to me, is an offer for a free cremation. Me! A pyrophobe, and a living one at that.

I wonder from which database the Neptune Society acquired my name….

I have provided the Neptune Society’s address in case you’d like to tell them how you feel about receiving free cremation offers in the mail. Please pardon the garbage stains on the envelope.

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