Now accepting applications for apprentice Klutzes

First Order Klutzes are not rare in the population, but they are trained from birth not to be Klutzes, and to be ashamed of their manifest Klutz gifts. The thwarting of these valiant soldiers of the cast, bandage, and ruined items of property is devastating for the economy, as well as morbid to the Klutz spirit.

I am a Klutz Master, and I am accepting applicants for the High Order of Klutz Apprentice. I figure qualified applicants should not have to work their way up.

Qualified applicants will have been admitted for emergency treatment a minimum of three times in the past five years. It’s okay if they are unable to recall how many times, as long as the minimum is met. Admission will be on account of something unusual or unaccountable. Fault is irrelevant. Family history of the Klutz trait is not necessary.

My qualifications for Klutz Master were cinched when I failed to deploy a bathmat yesterday, causing me to glide onto the ceramic floor, sit down much too abruptly, bruise my sacral spine, and fall backward so that the back of my head hit the ledge of the shower, leaving a rather large bruise and bump, and a considerably upended morning for my husband. The wait in the ER wasn’t overlong, the CT scan was negative, and the doctor was congenial and I think somewhat pro-Klutz leaning.

Take up the Klutz challenge!



Filed under & Things, Action & Being, People

10 responses to “Now accepting applications for apprentice Klutzes

  1. samanthamurdochblog

    I hope you’re ok now…touch wood so far this year I haven’t done anything major but there’s plenty of time yet!


    • Thank you, Samantha; it’s pretty much resolved, but the sharp coccyx pain revives, and Lidocaine patches have been a mercy. Take care! Deploy the bathmat!

      And stay of good cheer. We will always, always need it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so glad you’re OK. Having received one fractured skull, I know what the recovery process is like, and it’s no fun. That post was hilarious!


    • Jena, I’m so glad to be able to bring cheer to you! I have a sore bump under thick hair cover, but very relieved not to have a fracture. I can scarcely imagine how little fun it was for you; I’m glad you came through with a sense of humor!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad you are OK, Lauren. That was quite a tumble!


    • Thank you, Leah. I’m a natural–and thankful my generation has pharmaceutiful boons that reverse osteoporosis! Without that artillery, the outcome would almost certainly have been different for the worse.


  4. Heidi

    (Also I will pray for the aftermath! I’m sure you are still mightily sore.)


  5. Heidi

    Oh how horrifying. I’m so glad you were not seriously hurt and are now taking these applications.

    I would say my best qualification for this position is my ability to draw blood opening canned goods. This is precedent to actually wielding a knife or using fire in the cooking process. You can imagine what follows.

    Liked by 1 person

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