Year-end clearances on the latest studies

The approaching new year means more than blowout sales throughout the retail shoppers’ world. The year’s end also means all that research grant money has to be spent in a hurry, to justify new funding for follow-up studies.

This triumphant contribution, for instance, might lead to new life goals, or to early estate liquidation planning, depending on whether you or someone from whom you stand to inherit, can sit on the floor and get up again unassisted. If you are between the ages of 51 and 80, your ability to perform this exercise means you are 6.5 times more likely to live another six years.

I see a potential confounding variable. If you are a woman and your husband is present when you take this simple test, and he does not automatically offer his hand to help you up, the study speaks more of the demise of gallantry than of your own demise.

If you are a woman and your husband is present when you take this simple test, and he automatically proffers his hand to help you up, then the study speaks more to the duration of gallantry than your own life expectancy—though it has long been affirmed that happily married people tend to live longer. . .which possibly leads to the conclusion that one should avoid taking too many stupid tests with standardized protocols forbidding the small helping gestures that enhance one’s life.

For the record, I am unfunded by any grant. I took the test when my husband was not at home. I’m spring-loaded, but I’m still not sure about deferring my social security. Maybe I should come up with a study design that includes drinking coffee and apply for a grant.

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2 Comments

Filed under Action & Being

2 responses to “Year-end clearances on the latest studies

  1. Vic

    I’ve got the title for the paper:

    “Springing Executory Prophylaxis. A heuristic analysis of optimal extraction and consumption of Coffea Arabica.”

    Like

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